Spoilers and Triggers: This piece has spoilers for Rise of Skywalker. There will be some discussion of intimate partner abuse and abusive behavior generally.
Where it all started
The first movie I ever got to see in theaters was Beauty and the Beast, a rite of passage for a 90s kid. Over an hour and a half Disney shows us a bright young woman fixing a man with a beastly personality. Fast forward to 2017, I’m watching The Last Jedi. Rey and Kylo Ren are in the throne room, and Kylo is trying to bring Rey over to the Darkside. He’s been emotionally manipulating her the entire movie, and his final ploy is to say “You’re nothing, but not to me.” I am completely absorbed in the movie and I have this immediate reflexive thought, “Motherfucker, are you negging me?”
I really wish Rey called him out on his shit, but that moment never happens. They fight over the lightsaber, and the movie rolls on. For all of The Last Jedi, Rey tries her best to bring Kylo over to the good side, and he doesn’t budge. Instead, Kylo bullies and undercuts Rey, and purposefully makes the wrong choice every time, despite his internal conflict.
This is a well-worn trope; a bad-boy needs the guidance of a woman, a romantic interest, to finally become the good person that he truly is deep down inside. This trope is used often for storytelling because it creates so much tension and drama. It winds up causing harm because it normalizes abusive behavior in romantic relationships and puts the burden on a woman to change the man she’s in love with. I want to explore this trope in the Star Wars sequels, talk about ways that it can be changed or subverted, and show some examples of how other storytellers got it right.
My perspective: I’m a massive Star Wars fan, and absolutely love Kylo Ren/Adam Driver as a character. This isn’t a hate piece. I’m frustrated with Reylo because a lot of the excitement centers around changing a damaged adult man, “If only he meets the right woman, then he’ll be different!” We need to cut that shit out.
This piece is going to talk primarily about heterosexual relationships and the gender binary so I want to acknowledge that men experience intimate partner violence in heterosexual relationships. I’m going to talk about this trope and gender-flipping later on. I also want to acknowledge the abuse that happens in LGBTQIA relationships. This dynamic is very poorly understood and too often goes unaddressed.
An Imbalance of Power
The first issue with presenting Kylo Ren and Rey as a will they/won’t they romantic relationship is that there is a power imbalance from the very first moment they meet in The Force Awakens. Kylo and Rey’s first encounter is a physical fight, where Kylo knocks her unconscious and then interrogates her. This is also the first moment where Rey gets under his skin and makes him question himself.
Kylo goes on to murder his own father, after powering through a moment of doubt. Then, even after getting shot with Chewie’s crossbow blaster thing, he continues to fight Rey, cornering her on a cliff edge. We get a second moment between them, where he offers to be her teacher in the Force. She refuses him, continues to fight, and leaves him defeated with a lightsaber burn on his face.
This is not a meet-cute. I remember sitting in the theater and wondering what possessed Kylo to offer to be her teacher in that moment. He is actively trying to kill her. Every other interaction they’ve had was marked by violence. Why the fuck would she go with him?
Still, there is some kind of tension between them, and thus, Reylo was born.
One of the problems stems from the portrayal of Rey’s strength and resilience. Kylo Ren is terrifying, he doesn’t take off his mask for the entire first half of the movie, so all we see is some tall powerful man, stalking around in black. We see Rey metaphorically peeling back the layers, and literally does so when she’s the first person he takes his mask off for. Rey fights him despite her fear, which makes it seem like only a woman strong enough can change a man like that.
The Last Jedi ramps up the tension between Kylo and Rey, mainly through emotional manipulation, not physical violence, until their final interaction. Throughout the movie they experience a Force Bond, that allows them to communicate and see into each other’s hearts. It’s intimate.
I thought those scenes were very powerful, but Kylo uses those moments to try to break Rey down. He digs into her insecurities about her parents and shows her the moment Luke turned on him. When they’re in the elevator, each one thinks they have the upper hand on the other. When Kylo kills Snoke, Rey thinks it’s all in the bag, but Kylo stays with the Darkside, going on to fight an astral projection of Luke Skywalker.
It was so irritating to watch Rey run around that whole movie trying to make men behave like heros. She starts off with Luke, ultimately convincing him that he needs to take some action to save the Resistance. She does the same thing with Kylo, calling him Ben, his given name, and tearfully pleading with him to make the right choice for once.
All of Kylo’s behaviors towards Rey were cruel and dismissive. The only action he takes that helps her is killing Snoke, and even that was self-serving. Kylo assumes the title of Supreme Leader and is now in complete control of the First Order. They end the movie, decidedly, as enemies.
Still Reylo persists, because of his fascination with her. There’s something there, but it’s all emotion, touch, and soulful looks at one another. None of Kylo’s actions have been caring or kind. This is not the foundation for a romance.
I want to reiterate, it’s been two movies by this point, and Kylo Ren has only interacted with Rey through emotional manipulation and violence. In The Last Jedi, we got the distinct sense that Kylo is externalizing his emotions. It’s very clear that this is all that he knows; that fact shouldn’t be dismissed, but it can’t excuse his behavior either.
Growing up in abusive environments affects people in different ways. Some people shut down. Some people act out. Some people internalize the hurt, and others learn to externalize their pain. It can be a combination, and different behaviors can arise throughout a person’s lifetime. People deserve care and attention to help them heal from trauma, but that is not the responsibility of a romantic partner. Just because a person experienced hurt doesn’t mean that their own hurtful behavior should be excused. Which takes us to the problem at the core of this trope.
As a romantic partner, women should not be responsible for changing the actions and behaviors of violent and abusive men. Full stop.
This trope is damaging because it presents a woman as special because she’s caught the attention of a powerful man, then goes on to present the woman as powerful because she’s “strong” enough to change him.
It is never about her or her feelings. She takes the abuse, has to handle it herself, and must have enough emotional fortitude left to take care of a man. That’s a problem.
Why is it a problem?
I grew up with this plot device. As a babygoth back in the nineties, we had Buffy and her relationships with Angel and Spike. Angel’s morose self-flagellation was juicy enough to get its own spinoff, which I watched religiously.
I get why these plotlines exist. They have a bad-boy struggling with himself. They have a woman that they can present as strong. These relationships get to play out a will they/won’t they tension that can stretch over multiple seasons. The relationships can end tragically. All of it makes for interesting stories and really entertaining TV.
An important note is how few examples of this trope exist where the genders are reversed. Try to imagine a show where there is a powerful female villain with internal conflict, and a man chases after her, consoling her, supporting her, always giving her another chance, she continues to make the wrong choices, but every now and then she shows up and says she feels bad about what she’s done.
Imagine if the genders were reversed in the Star Wars sequels. Leia and Han have a daughter (Daisy Ridley) who is turned to the Darkside (that would have been amazing), and then Adam Driver plays a scrapper hiding out in Jakku (he would have done a fantastic job). Imagine seeing him running around after a terrifying woman, pleading with her to do the right thing, that there is still good inside of her, and every time we think she might have found a turning point, she makes the wrong choice and continues to be violent against him.
Mainstream examples of this are hard to find. There’s been some exploration of this with X-Men Dark Phoenix and in The Hunger Games, but overwhelmingly, women aren’t given the same treatment.
For men to be heroes, they fight the bad guy. Even with Luke and Vader, there is still a swordfight at the end. Luke definitely uses his words, but what we all remember is the lightsaber duel. Good vs. Evil.
Women are presented as nurturers and caretakers, even in romantic relationships and a hero’s journey. If we had made Rey a male character, Kylo would have spent the entire time in physical combat against him. I guarantee they would not have had the Force Bond scenes set up in the same way.
What highlights this trope even more is how women are portrayed when they become the romantic partner of a villain and join him in crime. They are seen as being even more evil than their partner. They are completely reviled. Skyler White was absolutely despised by the Breaking Bad fanbase, even though she was just trying to find a place in all of Walter White’s bullshit. As an older example, consider Carmilla Soprano, wife of mob-boss Tony Soprano.
The most famous example is Harley Quinn and The Joker. She is completely devoted to him and while she’s a fun character, she’s portrayed as completely insane. We also have Bellatrix Lestrange and Voldemort. Bellatrix is terrifying; she’s an incredible villain, and she is completely devoted to Voldemort. She doesn’t exist without him. We get to write these women off as certifiable. They certainly don’t get the sympathy and patience that men get in the exact same situation. They are barely people, just another prop for the evil men they support. No one is trying to save or convert these women.
The closest we get to a counterexample is the Batman/Catwoman relationship. Notably absent is the power dynamic. Batman is strong, wealthy, white, and male. They play cat and mouse. There is a certain amount of emotional turmoil, but Batman isn’t tearfully chasing Catwoman around trying to convince her to change her ways.
Why I dislike this trope so much is the real world implications it has. First of all, it says that men can change abusive and violent behavior, but only if the right woman comes along. That is not her responsibility, it is his responsibility and his alone. It also encourages women to ignore their intuition, enduring abuse in the hope that one day he’ll be different.
Unfortunately, this plays out all too often in domestic violence situations, regardless of gender. The offending partner tends to operate with a cycle of behavior where they are sweet and charming, escalate into abuse, apologize, and restart the good behavior before eventually abusing again. The abused partner can blame themselves, hold onto the memories of when things were going well, and eventually become isolated and alone in their pain.
We’ve seen tabloid media play out these stories. I grew up with the narrative of Courtney Love and Curt Cobain. She was demonized and blamed for Curt’s suicide, despite her own history of abuse and addiction. Curt is portrayed as a tortured hero and artist, so why didn’t his woman fix him? When Mac Miller died of an overdose, Ariana Grande was dragged through the mud and blamed for his addiction and death. This also played out in the abuse Rhianna as she suffered at the hands of Chris Brown.
In all of these cases, the women also have a history of abuse and pain, but they are expected to be the saviors of their male partner. The women don’t get treated with the same care and empathy; instead, we ask them, “Why didn’t you save your man?”
Redemption
Let’s get into Kylo Ren’s redemption arc. If you haven’t seen Rise of Skywalker, this is your Spoiler Alert.
The movie picks up right where it left off, from a romance-plot perspective. Kylo Ren and Rey’s interactions are marked by violence, intimidation, and manipulation. He fucks with her to the point where Rey destroys a ship that she believes is carrying Chewbacca. Kylo Ren is doing what he’s done for the entire series. He’s behaving in an evil way, and purposefully throwing Rey off her game.
Kylo Ren’s moment of change comes after Rey stabs him in the belly, and then heals him. His epiphany is delivered by his mother, who uses the very last of her power so that Kylo can have a pep talk with his Dad (who he murdered in The Force Awakens). After that, Kylo Ren is a good guy. He goes on to help Rey against Palpatine, sacrificing his life to save hers. They kiss. Kylo smiles for the very first time in three fucking movies.
Sitting in that theater, I was completely swept up and emotional. I was definitely crying when he smiled. Adam Driver is the best. His chemistry with Daisy Ridley was undeniable. But let’s look at the facts.
Kylo Ren never made the decision to turn to the Light independently. He fought against Rey every single time. The epiphany wasn’t his, it was the last attempt by his mother to change him. He was really only good for a single act. He never had to deal with the consequences of his actions. Because he died, no one had to grapple with them having a relationship afterwards. Kylo never had to apologize to anyone. He never had to make significant and long lasting changes to his behavior. His redemption, as emotionally powerful as it was, was ultimately very weak.
Let’s take a look at a series that got the bad-boy redemption arc right. Avatar The Last Airbender is some of the best TV that’s ever been made, right up there with The Wire and The Sopranos. A lot of folks on the internet and on Tumblr have compared Avatar’s Zuko to Kylo Ren. I want to talk about his redemption arc specifically.
For a children’s cartoon, it would have been so easy to make Katara the savior to Zuko’s wounded bad-boy character. Seriously. She was the mother of the group, taking care of everyone and listening to their troubles. The writers could have even had a little love triangle between Katara, Aang, and Zuko. Instead, Avatar does something different.
Zuko’s redemption arc is entirely self-guided. Throughout the series, he has impactful moments with the good guys and with his uncle, but the decision to do the right thing is all his own. Most importantly, he has to sustain it himself. We see Zuko actively choosing not to resort to rage. We see Zuko changing his habits even when it’s hard. He has to learn how to process the trauma of his childhood, his relationships with his sister and his father. Instead of developing a romantic relationship with Katara, they are friends and that relationship is built on gaining trust and maintaining it. It’s so good! And they accomplished all this nuance cartoon series meant for kids. In 2008.
Rise of Skywalker would have been a much stronger movie if they had the same kind of arc for Kylo Ren. They had the actors for it. Adam Driver could have absolutely portrayed Kylo Ren changing his behavior and dealing with the consequences for it. Instead, they went the easy route, deciding that one moment of self-sacrifice at the very end was enough.
As much as I enjoyed their kiss, it was superficial. They had built up all this romantic/sexual tension between Rey and Kylo Ren, but he had only ever treated her with cruelty the entire time, up until that very moment. That is not a good message to send. Intimate partner violence is far too common. We should not be normalizing these tropes.
We still blame the survivors of this violence and willfully ignore how big the problem is. When we push these stories, men get the message that their pain is more important, that their suffering is more important, and that women are solely responsible for the emotional labor in a relationship. Women get the confusing message that they are “strong” for being able to endure the abuse and change an emotionally damaged man.
Throughout the entire Star Wars sequels, we never focus on Rey’s pain the same as we do Kylo Ren’s. She was abandoned and mistreated for her entire life, and then the Skywalker quest fell in her lap. She’s a girl who just wants a home and a family. If she had allowed herself to be consumed by pain and fear, no one would have followed her story. Instead, she gets to carry the burden of her own suffering, then take Kylo’s hand and guide him through his pain, too.
There is nothing wrong with the dynamic of the bad-boy teetering between a choice of right and wrong. There’s nothing wrong with having that be combined with a romantic relationship with another character. What’s important is that we acknowledge that the struggling man is fully responsible for his own choices, and that violence, control, and manipulation are not expressions of love.
We need to see redemption arcs that recognize each person is in control of their own actions. Redemption doesn’t come via a single act, but through a true commitment to change, even when things are hard.
I want to see more TV and movies where the damaged men go on their own emotional arcs of self discovery and change. This happens with heroes but usually not with the villains, even the ones that switch sides. They need to make this journey separate from a romantic relationship with a woman.
People can change. People do need love and support to change, but it can’t all be placed as a burden on a girlfriend or a wife. It is not her responsibility, and it furthers a harmful trope. Having a conflicted character take responsibility for their actions is ripe for drama, makes for exciting storytelling, and helps us avoid the error of glamorizing abusive behavior.